BY STAFF WRITERS

Cooper Cronk is headed to the Sydney Roosters in news that has rocked the Australian sporting landscape. We sat down with Cronk* to get this amazing insight from the enigmatic superstar.

81M: Cooper, what if we said there’s people out there that think your move to the Roosters is simply a cash grab before retirement?

Cooper: Look, I cannot help but fail to disagree with you less. The truth is, if I was to be elucidate with you, it’s all about the challenge and improving the Roosters.

81M: Surely there’s teams that need your help more than the Roosters?

Cooper: If there’s one thing Cooper Cronk can do is give back to Cooper Cronk giving back to the Roosters than Cooper Cronk will do what he can. I’m here to help.

81M: ….

Cooper: I’m not one to suffer from a malaise that could keep me from enjoying the party. Rugby league is a simple game.

81M: We didn’t…

Cooper: It’s a great challenge.

81M: What does Trent Robinson expect from you next season.

Cooper: I sat down with Trent and we discussed how I can get the very best out of him in 2018 and beyond. He’s a good young fella and it’s about heightening his experience and hopefully steering him toward a maiden premiership.

81M: He’s already won one…

Cooper: Has he?

81M: Yes.

Cooper: Or has he? See what I mean?

81M: Can Mitchell Pearce fit into the team’s plans next season?

Cooper: I really hope so. It’s not my place to order Michael around – he’s a terrific prospect. And if we can just tweak a few things.. running, passing, kicking, tackling, speaking, he’s going to be a very capable halfback for Wyong. I have a lot of time for Michael.

81M: What was Nick Politis’ role in your recruitment?

Cooper: Nick had a very small role to play. He just loves his footy and is a great supporter of the game. I don’t think there’s a single person out there that doesn’t love Nick for being the little Aussie battler he is. Great man, simply a great man.

81M: What will it be like playing against the Storm?

Cooper: That’s certainly a great question. It fills me with great pride what I could do for that organisation. I’ll never fall out of love with Craig Bellamy and those men. They made me hard. And strong mentally. But yes, they made me hard.

81M: There’s still love there?

Cooper: Always. To quote Shakespeare, “My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.” The loves goes both ways.

81M: Are you sure?

Cooper: ….

81M: Cooper?

Cooper: They’re going to beat the shit out of me aren’t they?

*This is not a real interview. We did not interview Cooper Cronk. This is a joke.